Hiking and Hawkeye's
by Iffy Jr
Summary: Loki/Tony. No. 7/10 in the CASHMBHGIF series. "With Tony, Loki, and Clint the only ones left in the mansion, they decide to ditch it as well. Maybe Clint's idea gets turned against Tony at one point, but that's fine. The forest is filled with secrets, after all, and these secrets are not easy things to keep." COMPLETE.


Author's notes: Hey y'all! Remember that series I'm writing with the super intense title? _CASHMBHGIF_ (Come And See How My Brain Has Gone Insane Forever)? Yeah, well, here's the 7th one! It's 10 pages and just shy of 5,000 words according to Word, and, as usual, in Tony's POV. And, for purposes that it's been just about a month since the last one, this takes place on July 29th :) Also, I know I my basic plotline for this was "Tony takes Loki hiking and it gets turned against him", but there's going to be a lot more to it than just hiking and Hawkeye's… I didn't really mean for it to happen, but it sort of just puked out. I'm not changing the title, though, since I know some of you were looking for this title specifically :) Also I have finally written out another sex scene! You're welcome.  
And hey I definitely suggest reading these things in order, partly for big things but mostly just for little things. There are going to be 10, but this is just the 7th, and I already have all of the titles and everything! The one before this was Beers and Beaches, and the one after this is Gallops and Gargoyles. I'm working on G&G now, but who _knows_ when it will be done. I have so many other things that I'm writing… *sighs* the life of a writer.  
Anyway, enjoy! :)

PS extra shit as I put in here, this has easily been my least favorite one to write so far. It's…I don't know, it was just sort of boring and stressful and dull. I just dished it out within like a single 24 hour period because I wanted to get it over with, because I'm really excited for the next three! I promise that they'll be much better :) I actually have a cool plotline lined up for them. This one I didn't really leave much room for it, like I said. Also I didn't go through and edit it either. I just wanted it posted and out of my life so you guys could all hate it and I could just quick get on to the next actually good ones :P

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**Disclaimer**: None of the characters in this story are mine unless I say otherwise. Yup.

**Summary**: Loki/Tony. No. 7/10 in the CASHMBHGIF series. "With Tony, Loki, and Clint the only ones left in the mansion, they decide to ditch it as well. Maybe Clint's idea gets turned against Tony at one point, but that's fine. The forest is filled with secrets, after all, and these secrets are not easy things to keep." COMPLETE.

**Pairings**: (Main) Tony/Loki; (Other) Clint/Natasha; Bruce/Betty  
**Status**: Complete  
**Rating**: Mature  
**Additional tags/warnings**: m/m and m/f pairings; strong language; smut

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**Hiking and Hawkeye's**

Tony loves showers. He especially loves them, though, when he gets to take them with the God of Sex (also known as the love of his life). He loves the way the water cascades over Loki's skin and through his black hair so that he constantly has to reach up and push it back. Not to mention the added bonus of the way his lips slide over his cock. Water isn't the best lube, but it sure beats goin' it dry.

Loki suddenly pulls away, and Tony groans in protest.

Loki slides up Tony's body until his mouth gets to his ear. "I want you," he whispers, turning the water off. They always wash their hair first anyway. "Bed."

Tony turns his head to nip at his chin. "We're soaking wet, babe."

"And?"

Tony grins at him. "Yeah, alright."

They all but stumble out of the bathroom, and then Loki all but slams Tony against the bed, kissing him hard on the mouth. His hands pin Tony's wrists against the comforter, and he arches against him, pressing him even further into the mattress.

"Remember back the time before the zoo?" Loki asks, tracing his tongue over Tony's neck. "When I brought you the bottle of lube after I cleaned you out the time before _that_?"

Tony grins, trying to fight back against the holds on his wrists. Problem is that Loki is a god, so he's not really going to get anywhere with that. "And we had that fight about my being only yours?"

One of Loki's hands releases a wrist, and it slowly moves up to trace around Tony's arc reactor. "You felt this, didn't you?" He pulls it out by mere millimeters. "Did you like it?"

Tony sits up so that Loki is forced to pushed it back in when he doesn't move as well. "I'm pretty sure it just terrified me, actually."

The god chuckles. "Get the lube, love."

Tony crawls off to the side so that he can reach into the top drawer of the nightstand, tossing the bottle over to Loki as he crawls back. The god lathers some of his fingers before bending down and biting hard at Tony's side, followed by soft kisses up to his neck. Tony moans hard when a finger slips inside, his free wrist moving up to tangle into Loki's hair. Usually it takes a few more fingers before he's moaning like that, but fuck, he already got so much more turned on in the shower…

"Loki, please, I need—"

Loki doesn't hold back, pushing in all the way to the hilt. Tony's not sure how he lathered himself up so fast, but he stopped questioning those things a while ago. He swallows Tony's cries with kisses, his own mingling more and more. They each come in a flourish, Tony shortly before Loki considering that he was worked on beforehand.

"Fuck, you're beautiful," Tony breathes, kissing Loki hard in their aftermath. They're going to have to change the sheets, but at least they've got tissues. He doesn't like showers _that_ much.

"Mmm, you're gorgeous," the magician replies, only giving Tony soft kisses back.

Tony gives him with a second go and just buries his face in Loki's neck, breathing in deep. "You know I love you, right?"

"As much as I love you?"

"Doubt it."

Jarvis actually sighs. "Sirs, the fact that I want to vomit when it is not even possible should have you doing _something else_."

Tony chuckles, looking up at the blue sensor strips. "You're just jealous that you can't join us."

The AI is silent for a moment. "I believe I would like to vomit again, sir."

Loki smiles and kisses Tony's forehead. "We love you as well, Jarvis. Is breakfast out?"

"Not anymore, sirs, but there are still waffles in the freezer that you may heat up in the toaster."

The god smiles wider and looks down at the billionaire. "Hungry?"

Tony grins. "_Starving_."

It takes far too long to get cleaned off and dress, but they do eventually make it to the kitchen, wherein Loki instantly pushes Tony hard against the counter by the toaster.

It's only a few minutes later that a very stressed Steve speaks: "Oh my gods."

Tony and Loki pull away to look at him, but in the process they notice all of the _other_ couples. Natasha is sitting up on the counter on the other side of the kitchen with Clint between her legs, and Betty is sitting on Bruce's lap at the table.

Tony chuckles. "Where's Hill, Steve-o?"

The blonde blushes. "Working."

Betty pulls away from Bruce to smile at him. "I think she's really nice, Steve, and I also think that taking it slow is a _lovely_ idea."

He blushes more, followed by inaudible muttering.

"Come on, man," Clint says, pulling away from Natasha's kiss. "It's not like we don't know that you're the virgin-est virgin to ever virgin."

"I am not."

Natasha snorts. "Yeah? How not?"

"I have kissed _three_ different people."

Tony frowns. "Wait, three? Who?"

He holds up three fingers and counts them off. "Peggy Carter, Maria Hill, and some dame I never got the name of that taught me how to yank someone forward with a tie."

Loki cocks an eyebrow. "Why would _you_ need to know that?"

"He didn't mean that _he'd_ need it," Bruce says, fingers rubbing absentmindedly against a thigh. "He just meant that she pulled him forward without giving him any time to say no."

Tony wiggles his eyebrows. "Did you kiss her back?"

Steve sighs. "Yes, and in the meantime I almost ruined everything with Peggy."

Betty cringes. "I heard about that, actually. Sharon told me. She's still in contact with he—"

Bruce all but slams a hand over her mouth.

Steve licks his lips, looking around the dead silent room. "I know she's still alive, guys."

They all frown.

"You do?" Clint asks.

The blonde nods. "I knew about her before I knew about any of you, actually. We talk on the phone sometimes?"

Tony chokes slightly. "You _what_?"

He actually rolls his eyes. "It's an old romance, Tony. I know I'm old and traditional, but we've helped each other through it. We're just friends now."

"Does Maria know?" Loki asks.

Steve frowns. "Since when are you two on a first name basis?"

Loki chuckles, looking down at Tony. "The two most easily jealous-made men in the same room? I believe we're going to have a problem."

Suddenly a timer goes off, and everybody looks over at Natasha.

"Whoops," she says, shoving Clint lightly away. "I've gotta go."

Clint pouts out his bottom lip. "I wanna come too."

She kisses his cheek. "You'll be fine." She looks over Bruce, Betty, and Steve. "You three ready?"

They nod. "All our stuff's already been taken," Steve says. "I just saw it off."

Tony frowns. "Wait a minute, what's going on? When was this trip planned—without me, by the way."

"We're going back to the lab in New Mexico," Betty says. "Research stuff over Steve and Bruce, and Natasha is going undercover as my bodyguard."

He frowns deeper. "Isn't that were Thor, Jane, Darcy, _and_ Selvig are?"

She nods.

Now _he's_ pouting. "It's just going to be us three while _everyone else_ is having fun with gamma radiation?"

Bruce glares a little. "Yeah, real fun."

Tony just smiles at him. "You know you love me."

Eventually everyone is gone, and that just leaves Tony, Loki, and Clint standing in the kitchen.

"So…" Clint says, looking over at them. "Three-way?"

Loki starts to smile, but Tony gives a fervent head shake _no_. "Too many dicks."

"Now that's just no fun."

Tony stretches his arms out as Loki shrugs and moves around to put some waffles together. "I have a better idea," he says.

"No you don't," Clint says. He holds his hand out. "Who's in for a hike?"

Tony blinks at him, and even Loki gives a slightly narrow-eyed look. "A _hike_?" the god hisses.

Clint wrinkles his nose up. "What, have you guys never been on a hike before? If Loki is strong enough to teleport us we can go to Oregon. They've got some great stuff out by Canon Beach. Real great edges to drop a body, too."

Loki gives an unhappy sound, but Tony actually finds himself liking the idea. Has he _ever_ liked the idea of a hike? Probably not. So he turns around and gives Loki a very convincing smile. "Just this once?" he asks.

The god curls his upper lip. "I'd rather not."

"We're going to go without you, then."

He shakes his head. "Go ahead. I have things to prepare for my brother's wedding in two weeks anyway. He's made me the best man, after all."

"Oh," Clint says, "so you'll be working with Darcy a lot?"

He nods.

Tony shrugs. "Fine, Clint and I will go out and find somewhere with_out_ your teleportation abilities. Come on, Hawkeye."

The bird grins. "Do you wanna go building diving? We can totally Spider-man our way around the city!"

"Spider—who?"

"Never mind, he's just some teenager I've been hanging out with. Go get your suit on and you can call me Legolas some more."

Loki suddenly gives a very aggravated sigh. "Alright, _fine_!" he says loudly. "I'll take us all to Oregon!"

Both Tony and Clint give whoops of excitement.

"Alright, alright," Clint says. "Do you guys know what to do?"

Tony cocks an eyebrow. "For a hiking trip?"

"It's more complicated than that. We have to make sure we've got water, food, medical supplies, etcetera."

Loki gives him a half-lidded look. "You're going to be with a magician, child."

"Oh, right, of course. Well, you still have to dress right."

Tony flits a wrist. "Just lie out what you're going to wear and Loki'll copy them in our size."

Clint grins. "Gods, I bet that's handy."

Loki smiles, taking the waffles out of the toaster. "You have _no_ idea."

**XxX**

"Wow," Tony says, looking out at the ocean from where he, Loki, and Clint are standing on the edge of a smallish cliff. "To think, we're all the way across the country from this."

"There's a lot more open space when you start moving towards the west," Clint says. "Up in the original colonies, though, it's a tad bit crowded."

Loki cocks an eyebrow. "Did you just reference life before the Civil War?"

The bird chuckles. "Come on, guys. We're barely five minutes into this trail and you're already distracted."

Tony shrugs. "Nothing wrong with that."

Clint walks in the front, strutting along like a giddy little school girl. Obviously he doesn't get out like this very much. No surprise, really. They're all in the Avenger's now. They're mostly needed in New York. Shit, Jarvis better contact him if anything comes up… Literally none of the city saviors are even in the city.

Tony looks up at Loki with a smile. "You're not having even a _little_ bit of fun?" he asks.

The god huffs. "I may or may not be—oh dear."

Tony frowns, quick following his line of sight. Where Clint was just a moment ago, he's…not. "Shit, where do you think he—" When he turns around, though, Loki is gone as well. "Alright guys, very funny!" he says uneasily, looking around. "Leave me alone in the middle of this forest hiking trail, what a great prank!"

Nobody answers.

He mashes his lips into a tight line and looks up into all the trees, knowing that Clint has a thing for heights. Nobody is up there, though, either.

He mutters to himself, continuing on with the hike. He knows they're just trying to piss him off. Well, Loki is. He's not really sure what Clint's doing… Maybe Loki recruited him? That would just be rude, considering that it was Clint's idea in the first pla—

All at once, ten bodies jump out of _nowhere_, screaming a single word: "BOO!"

Tony screams like a girl, falling backwards onto a very uncomfortable root.

There are ten Clint's out in front of him, every last one of them in a different colored "hiking outfit". It goes through the seven rainbow colors, and then there's pink, brown, and grey as well.

All of them start laughing at him, "You should have seen your _face_!" they say in unison. "I've never seen you so terrified in our life."

"You little dick!" Tony growls, jumping back up to punch the nearest one (the green one). It disappears, though, the moment before his fist comes in contact with it.

There's a giggle behind him, and Tony whirls around to glare at his boyfriend.

"What the fuck was that about?" he growls.

The god smirks, walking slowly towards him. "It's what you get for dragging me along on something I didn't want to be dragged on," he says, sliding a finger down his arm.

Tony glares. "You didn't have to come, Lo'. Clint and I were going to go by ourselves."

"You didn't think I'd just let you out of my sight like that, did you?"

The nine Clint's laugh as well. "Love sure is funny."

Both of them turn to glare at him instead, and Loki snaps his fingers so that all of the nine morph together and just make one Clint back in his original colored clothing.

"Don't think you're going to get off so easy, child," the magician says to him. "This was your idea, after all."

Clint frowns. "You said you wouldn't do anything to me if I promised to help you scare the shit out of Tony, though!"

Loki chuckles. "Never trust the God of Lies, little bird."

Clint groans. "I am such an idiot."

Even Tony manages a grin at that. "Live and learn, kid."

The rest of the hike to the end of the trail is rather mundane, but on the way back…

"Shit," Clint yells, grabbing Tony hand and yanking him back hard enough that it feels like it dislocates his shoulder.

Before Tony can question him, though, the largest damn tree in the entire forest comes crashing down just where he was standing.

"Oh," Tony says, looking it over. Then, "_Oh_. Loki. Shit shit shit is he under it? Loki, Loki are—"

"I'm fine, love."

Tony looks up to Loki swinging himself gracefully over the trunk, completely unscathed. "Good gods, you scared me," he says, throwing his arms around his waist. "You were right beside me! I thought you had gotten squished!"

The magician smiles. "I'm a god, Tony. Even if it had hit me, it certainly wouldn't have squished me.

You guys are cute an' all," Clint says, moving towards the bottom of the tree, "but Loki, could you use your magic to get this out of the way of the trail?"

"Yes, alright."

Once the tree is moved, Clint makes his way to the stump. "Holy shit," he says.

Tony frowns, moving to get to his side. "What is it—oh _wow_." The stump is hollow, and there are literally a pair of stairs.

Loki steps up beside them as well. "That little devil," he says quietly.

Tony frowns up at him. "You know this place?"

He nods. "It's one of the passageways into Hel."

"Hold up," Clint says, holding his hands up. "There's a staircase inside of an old tree that leads into the underworld?"

"One of them, yes."

Tony wrinkles his nose up. "There are _multiple_ hells?"

He nods. "This one I know leads to none other than my daughter. That tree did not fall on accident. She knows we are here." He looks at Tony. "She wants to meet you. We should leave."

Tony frowns. "Why?"

"You don't want to meet her."

"Who said I didn't?"

"I think you made it pretty clear when we were on our flight to Disneyland."

Tony's jaw drops. "Loki, oh my gods, has that been eating at you? Of course I want to meet your kids! I was just shocked, is all! We'd been fucking since January, not to mention officially dating since April. I was just surprised that you hadn't told me about them. But I do want to meet them, okay? The horse and the snake and the wolf and the half-corpse queen of the underworld. I'm practically their step-father. I should meet them anyway."

Loki licks his lips. "Really?"

"Yes _really_. Can't you read my mind? You should know better than that!"

The god sighs. "I didn't want to read that part because I didn't want to read something that would make me feel worse about it."

Tony smiles, pushing up on his toes to kiss his cheek. "Well, now you know. Let's go meet your daughter, yeah?"

Clint wrinkles his nose up. "Um…do I have to come?"

Loki gives him a dark look. "Maybe you shouldn't."

He grins. "Good, 'cause I don't really think I want to. Can you pop me back in the mansion, though?"

Loki rolls his eyes. "Yes, I suppose."

With a snap of his fingers, Clint is gone.

"You're sure?" Loki asks Tony again.

Tony rolls his eyes before moving to go down the stairs.

"Ah, ah," Loki says, grabbing his wrist. "I'll go first."

The walk is not short, but they eventually get to the bottom. They're just on a little island with the stairs ending in the middle of them, and the island is surrounded by a lake of white fire.

"Does she have a thing with Satan?" Tony asks, keeping close to Loki's side as they move to the very edge of the island.

"No," Loki says, holding a hand out above the fire. "She doesn't like people enough for a relationship."

The fire actually begins to separate, a stone bridge rising out of it to walk across to the other side. It doesn't look like much, really. Just a lot of creepy black mountains that—

"Oh," Tony says, keeping very close to Loki as they walk across. "It's a city."

Loki nods. "The City of Hel, ruled by Queen Hela."

At those words, they make it to the other side, and that very moment a rage of white fire erupts out of nowhere. When it fades, there before them stands one of the most regal and terrifying looking women that Tony has ever seen. She's in nothing but a green, black, and silver (wonder where she got that color scheme from…) skintight suit thing, black stiletto boots that go _way_ above her knee, and the most intricate headdress that Tony has ever seen in his life. It even covers her eyes like a mask. She doesn't _look_ half dead…

"Hello, father," she says, an evil sort of grin spreading across her face. "I see you've found my Oregon entrance."

"Found?" Loki scoffs. "You made that tree fall in purpose."

"I may have, yes. It's back up and hiding the entrance now, in any case." She turns her look to Tony. "This is the mortal, then?"

"Not for long," Loki says. "He is to eat the golden apple at Thor's wedding."

"The wedding with _another_ mortal?" She scoffs as well. "How dull." She looks at Tony again. "What say you, child?"

Tony swallows tightly. "You don't look half dead to me."

Loki actually face-palms.

She blinks at him before bursting into laughter. "Oh, you want a corpse, do you?" With another erupted of white fire that slowly dies away, _there's_ the body that Loki described. A beautiful, young woman with long black hair and emerald green eyes—then again, hair only on one side of her head and only one green eye. The other side is bones and rotting flesh. "You see why I like to disguise myself," she says as the fire erupts once more to cover her in the skintight outfit. You can see skin from both sides, but she's just disguised the dead part.

"Looked alright to me," he says with a shrug.

She blinks at him for a moment before looking at Loki. "I believe I approve, father."

Tony grins. "Does that mean you're going to call me 'dad', now?"

She snorts. "Definitely not."

Loki is looking at him strangely, though.

Tony frowns. "What?"

"I thought you didn't want kids."

Tony cocks an eyebrow. "I don't, but they can call me dad if they want. They're not actually my kids anyway."

Loki smiles and kisses his temple before looking back at his daughter. "We should be going, my dear."

The Queen of the Underworld gives a soft smile back. "Of course, father. Make sure that Thor invites me to the wedding, now."

Loki rolls his eyes. "He's going to invite _all_ of you."

Dark as she seems, the smile that shows up on her face is the brightest thing that Tony has ever seen. "I haven't seen the others in many hundreds of years."

"You'll be excited to see them, then."

"I most certainly will. Farewell, father." She looks at Tony. "Goodbye to you as well…dad."

Loki teleports them away, landing in the kitchen, before Tony can reply. His expression is very dark.

Tony frowns. "What's wrong, Lo'? Did I do something wrong?"

"No, I…" He shakes his head. "Hela does not take to people easily."

"Um…was all that glaring a sign that she liked me or something?"

"That's exactly what it was?"

"Am I allowed to ask _how_ it was?"

The god sighs, sitting down at the table. "She does not like people. She _hates_ people—especially the living ones. Why do you think she became the queen of a place that she could inflict endless torture? She does not glare at people, though. She gives emotionless looks because she couldn't care less about them."

Tony frowns deeper, sitting down beside him. "So…she cared because she was glaring? I'd care about me if I were her, too. I'm dating her father, after all."

Loki pushes a hand through his hair. "Just…don't leave my side for a few days. She may choose to come visit us."

Clint suddenly walks into the room, out of his hiking clothes. "You mean Hela?" he asks.

Loki frowns. "I do."

"Oh yeah, she was here just a couple of seconds ago. She had, like, four other clones with her, too. She's nice."

Loki gives him a wide-eyed look. "You are referring to the Queen of Hel as _nice_?"

He shrugs. "Well, she whooped my ass at Go Fish, but yeah."

Loki pushes another hand through his hair. "That woman…"

Tony smiles, kissing his temple. "She's your kid, Lo'. You gotta love her."

The god gives a small smile back. "We certainly haven't seen the last of her, at any rate."

Tony's cell phone suddenly starts buzzing, and Tony quick goes to answer it. "Heyuh, Steve-o."

"Tony, geez, I've called you four times!"

"Yeah, sorry, Hel has shotty reception."

"I—what?"

"Never mind. What's up?"

"Bruce and Betty need you here in New Mexico."

Tony grins over at Loki. "Feel like another trip, babe?"

Clint squeezes in between him. "Don't forget me!"

Loki rolls his eyes. "Fine."

**_-fin-_**

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Ending authors notes: Well, that's the end of that one! Tony meets sketchy Hela (I tried making her more comic like and I don't think I did very well lol) and Clint better watch his back! The next one shall be Gallops and Gargoyles, in which everyone is up in Asgard for Thor and Jane's wedding, but before all of that Tony gets to meet Loki's other kids and some of his other friends! I have nooo idea when it will be done, so…be on the lookout, my lovely readers! Thanks for reading! Reviews are welcome even if you disliked it as much as I did :P *hearts all around*

PS no I do not live in Oregon. I just go there a lot and it's like my favorite place. So there.


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